The News

This is day four. I woke up this morning from a nightmare. The dream was about the children finding an empty jar with a small amount of sand in the bottom. When they filled the jar with sand a beautiful fish appeared. The fish grew to be too big for the jar so they put it in the bathroom sink. But the plug in the bottom of the sink kept leaking out the water and the fish was gasping for air.

I found a soft leather bag about the size of a cleaning bucket, the kind used in American history to hold water. It held enough water for a while for the fish, then it began to leak. The fish only had inches of water in the bottom and was gasping for breath.

I was panicking as I looked frantically for something to hold the water in for the beautiful fish. I found a plastic paint bucket, but I knew chemicals and bleach had been in the bucket. I didn't know if they would burn the fish or harm it if ZI used the bucket, but we were in a hurry. The fish couldn't breath. I tried to rinse the bucket quickly, but the fish needed it immediately. I put the fish in the bucket hoping I had got out enough of the chemicals so the fish would be ok. It was a tight squeeze.

Thats when I woke up. I realized that fish was my son. We are trying to plug the holes in his body before he creates more. His body is a sieve using up his platelets faster than we can get them into him.

I got up to check on him. It was like he was that first baby again, when you go in and touch him in his crib to make sure he is still breathing. My husband's snores, last night, sounded like a child crying to me. I'd wake up and listen, thinking it was one of the boys instead of Tom just snoring away.